Weekend's end

When Darrel told me he would have to work Sunday evening from 9-11 p.m., I thought, great—time to blog! When I sat down at the computer for my blogging appointment, I checked the weather—low tonight of 37. Out to the field to cover up baby pepper plants. I guess one of the advantages of farming in the city is the illumination from streetlights for late night work--this is the fourth night this week I’ve been out until 9 or later. Don’t ask me if farming is fun right now. I’m tired, I woke up grouchy and irritable, and even though I had a nap today and 2 hours of solitude this evening, I’m still longing for time away, alone. How many months until Marina’s in preschool? I don’t like living in a state of constant stress, I don’t like looking forward to the future as a way to escape the present, I don’t like myself when I’m crabby and short tempered. I remember telling myself that one of my main reasons for choosing to be a parent was so my heart could grow, so my capacity for love could be expanded. Similarly, a secondary justification for farming was that I would learn to live with less need for control, to accept my limitations and be at peace with the way things are. It hasn’t happened yet. But now it’s time to sleep.